Breaking the Cycle: Why Texting an Abusive Ex is Always a Step Backward

Texting an ex with abusive red flags isn’t just a casual mistake; it’s self-sabotage wrapped in nostalgia. I’ve seen it as a professional, and I’ve lived it personally. I’ve been in that moment where your loneliness whispers that one text couldn’t hurt, that maybe this time will be different. It’s a lie. The truth is, even a single message can hand them the power they once held over you and undo the hard work you’ve done to reclaim your life.

"Every message sent to the past delays the peace waiting in your future."

When you’re evaluating the severity of those red flags, don’t sugarcoat it. Ask yourself: Did they make you feel small, unsafe, or unworthy? Did their apologies ever come with real accountability, or was it all smoke and mirrors? Abuse isn’t just about physical harm; it’s about control, manipulation, and the erosion of your self-trust. If they’ve crossed a line once, they will cross it again. The severity of their actions isn’t up for debate; your safety and sanity are.

I get it. Loneliness can feel unbearable. It makes the past seem sweeter, blurring the sharp edges of what really happened. But let’s call it what it is: an illusion. You’re not craving them. You’re craving connection, and your brain is taking the laziest shortcut to get there. That shortcut leads right back to pain. When the urge to text hits, recognize it as a symptom of healing, not a solution. Write the text if you need to vent, but don’t send it. Burn it. Delete it. Let it stand as proof that you’re moving forward, not backward.

As someone who has walked this road, both personally and with countless clients, I can tell you this with certainty: silence is your power. It’s not passive; it’s the ultimate act of defiance. Refusing to engage is you saying, “You don’t have access to me anymore.” Texting them might feel like relief in the moment, but that relief comes with a cost; your freedom.

You don’t need closure from someone who shattered your trust. You don’t need validation from someone who denied you respect. What you need is distance, clarity, and the courage to choose yourself every single time. Healing doesn’t happen in the same space where harm was done. It happens when you prioritize your future over a past that doesn’t serve you.

So block the number. Eliminate the temptation. And remind yourself that no text is worth giving away your power. I’ve been there. I’ve made the mistake. And I’ve learned that choosing silence is the strongest, smartest move you can make. You deserve better than the past. You deserve the future you’re building.