Sex in Long-Term Relationships: It’s Not About Frequency—It’s About Feeling Wanted

People obsess over how much sex is enough in a long-term relationship, but that is the wrong question. If you are asking, you already feel a shift. Attraction does not disappear because of time. It fades when one person stops feeling chosen and starts feeling assumed. If sex still carries weight, if it is wanted instead of expected, then you are fine. If it has become a routine transaction, a way to keep the peace, or an awkward obligation, the problem is not frequency. The problem is desire, and desire dies when sex turns into maintenance rather than seduction.

"Unseen, unheard, and unappreciated—the quiet weight of feeling unwanted."

Couples struggle to talk about sex because it is never just about sex. It is about validation, control, and power. The one who brings it up risks looking needy, the one who avoids it controls the dynamic. People fear these conversations because deep down, they know the truth might hurt. They might hear that their partner is not as attracted to them anymore. They might realize they have been tolerating something unsatisfying for too long. So they avoid it, hoping their silence will not kill the relationship. It always does.

There is no universal sweet spot for sex. The only real measure is whether both people still crave it. If sex has become an afterthought, an unspoken sore spot, or a slow-growing resentment, the issue is not numbers. It is a fundamental shift in the relationship dynamic. The moment one person starts keeping score, they are no longer in an intimate partnership. They are in a negotiation, fighting for something that should be given freely.

If you want more sex, the answer is not scheduling it like an appointment. Desire does not thrive on obligation. It thrives on anticipation, uncertainty, and tension. The real reason long-term couples stop having sex is because they stop seducing each other. They stop creating the thrill of the unknown. They become predictable, safe, and routine. If you want passion, stop treating your partner like a fixture in your life. Start treating them like someone you still need to win over.

It is fine if you do not want a lot of sex. What is not fine is lying to yourself about why. If the absence of sex is a choice, there is no issue. If it is a symptom of neglect, disinterest, or avoidance, you are sitting on a ticking time bomb. A sexless relationship is not always a broken one, but if one or both people feel unwanted, it will manifest elsewhere. Attraction does not just disappear. It gets redirected. If it is not showing up in the bedroom, it is showing up in distance, resentment, or temptation.

The biggest mistake couples make is assuming attraction is a permanent state. It is not. It has to be fed. The most sexually fulfilled couples are not the ones having the most sex. They are the ones who never stop making it "mean something". The second it becomes a given, it starts to die. If you are focused on frequency, you are thinking like an accountant. The real game is psychological. The couples who keep desire alive are not counting. They are creating a reason for the other person to want it.